De'SilverPack_Site

2011-05-19T16:48:00.002+08:00

Where else I can express my thoughts and feeling if non other than here, www.thuzdaynite.blogspot.com.

Honestly deep down, i couldn't take it anymore. This relationship is not longer becoming my desire to make it happen or my desire to bring it forever with me until day of death. The longer is goes, the longer i feel that this relationship has become nothing but force and more forcing to me. Why am i saying this? This is because i don't feel i have the desire to do what i want. I don't have the desire to have my own personal time and i don't have the desire to bring this relationship further to what i had planned long time ago.

This relationship is crumpling down the grave one at a time. I feel it had gone from bad to worst. Why? There is no respect between one another, not even a basic respect. I don't feel myself like a boyfriend but i feel more like a nothing but a personal servant to her wants and needs. That serve her purpose and needs and wanting. That is what i am feeling right now. People don't give a damn respect to servants, they bark on their servant and do things physically. I had been disrespect over time and time again. How much more longer can i wait.

You know, its really frustrating to see someone that i care about keep repeating the same mistake over and over again and don't even border to review it and learn from her mistakes. She don't have that mentally like "oh! i did this mistake today and i'll make sure i won't do it again because i don't want him to angry." She don't !! Completely don't !! Why? Because she cares nothing but her own needs and wants like shopping and shopping and shopping. Everything want to buy without realizing that wasting more money then saving more money. She treat money like a monopoly, to her everything is not important and like everything is like a game. We dream big that in the future we want this and that but then where's a hardwork to achieve that dream we wanted. We always keep saying "now it still to early. there is still more to time to come." without realizing and knowing that it is becoming a habit. A very bad habit. That's why it is hard to change because it had already develop into a habit. There's a saying that "I is easy to change attitude but it is difficult to change a bad habit."

Honestly, i don't know how else i can express my thoughts and feelings. we don't think alike and we don't feel alike either. our goals are completely different and completely the opposite directions. As a man i wanted to be strong but deep down, i am truly hurt and really really hurt but all of this. We couldn't make this better. Why? Its because we have different goals and directions. We don't think alike and we don't behave alike. I'm sick and tired of already repeating the same advice again and again to her while i don't feel like it is taking effect. I don't see the point anymore for me to give advice so to make this better because all i see is nothing but the same thing, the same problem, the same issues. Also there's no point giving advice anymore because i will always get the disrespect when she always talked back at me, by asked me back questions after i asked her a questions. Telling be back what to do after i told her what to do. She just won't take actions from the words i said. Even as she did i won't even know it because she didn't share to me like "hey,guess what today i'm able to solve my own problem today." when will be the day that i will hear this words/sentence from her. Expect me to know without telling is like a huge impossibility. When? I can be patience but every patience people have its limit too.

We are different, completely different. Different from the way that we being brought up. Different from the way that we been thought by. Different life experience that we gone through.

I was brought up with a support from anyone, not even from my own meat and blood. Since young my achievements was never been appreciated. I never heard the word "good job son" or "'i'm proud of you son." never!! I being brought up to be independent for my own goals and achievements. When I fall, i stand up alone. There was nobody came back to help me stood up. I was thought by "don't cry! stand! stand up by yourself! stand!!" and discipline was at its very top when i was young, a small disrespectful behavior, i get beat up and wrack real bad. This is me, this is my background, this was how i was brought up.

The way i think is being thought by successful people like teachers and great leaders that i meet before. I think ahead of time, way ahead like 5 to 10 years ahead and i work my way ahead. I was thought to be "don't talk but no action. talk must have actions" , i was thoughts "actions speaks louder than words." , i was thought "a reward will come after hardwork" , i was thought "if you don't plan, you are planning to fail" and i was thought "whatever your plan is, make it happen! don't make this a lie to yourself." I make use of what i was thought really well. I apply it to my life now regardless im a dropout student from poly.

overall my life experiences are complete different from her. way complete different. I can stood by myself without anyone by my side. to be respectful with the people around me and don't respect people whom don't respect you because they don't deserve any. whatever i was thought and brought up by, i keep those principles close tight to myself and i thought i could share this principle along with everyone and help them but i was wrong.

my perspective of a relationship has changed over time. i thought relationship is fun, happen and enjoyable but now it has changed nothing but misery, pain and hardship. nothing but something that always giving problems and troubles in my daily life. i was wrong about everything and i regret my actions for everything. regardless all the accomplishment i had, accept for one that i had not succeed that is a promise that i had not fulfill to myself, a promise that i made to myself to change into a better man, to change and bring myself closer to Allah s.w.t and a change to bring back success and a better future.

how much longer can i take this disrespectful pain, misery and hardship. how much more longer than i endure the suffering and problematic situation.

Since now with just a relationship status is so very hard and problematic. What will be the outcome of the future? If we are able to reach a family status. If we can't stop being problematic now and don't want to work hard for the future. How can we have a sustainable and a better future ahead? How can we achieve that dream what we talked about? I don't just wanna talk about it, i want to achieve it. but we can't. why? because we don't think alike and not moving to the same direction.

2011-02-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

I gotta get use to this new routine of 'not going down to training anymore'. Today was the first time ever that I miss training intensionally. Usually I miss training with valid reasons. I feels that my time is running short and my time will soon comes to an end before I get enlisted into the force. Therefore, I had think it through that I wanna use the time I got left to relax and chill. I shouldn't be doing all the dirty work anymore, I should be doing all the scolding, disciplining and marking anymore. Because what's the point if having a new batch if I am still doing all of those things. When will they learn, when will they stand up on my own. I just got to let go.

Even so, the unit is still the place that I will remember, the unit is the root myself now. No matter how much changes was made to the unit and see how soft the unit had become, I still gotta accept it because this is my root. Lots of things had change man, lots of things. Honestly, I miss all of those hard time moments, doing push-ups and all sort of physical trainings. To me those were the days. Now, I don't care anymore. I've lost the sense of belonging in the unit and I've lost the brotherhood between cadets and teachers. Guess this is sign for me to move on.

Peace!~ but I will be back one day.

2011-02-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

Happy 27th Month Anniversary to this relationship

Honestly, when relationship is getting longer and us getting older. We don't really look into it as much as how much we used to when we were once just being together about the first 12 months. I guess as we are getting older and more mature now. The most and major concern is just wanting a healthy relationship.

There are full of its ups and downs in this relationship but no matter how much the downs are, without us reviewing it and learning from the mistakes that we made, no difference will be made to improve this relationship and bring it up to a much greater heights.

Love is Allah s.w.t choice and Marriage is Allah s.w.t approval and children is Allah s.w.t gift and reward. I guess this is what we must always remember all the way until the end. Hopefully more smiles and happiness will be granted to this relationship. Insyallah

2011-02-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

I think, I am getting rusty at this blogging stuff. So please excuse me for my grammatical errors.

WEST Camp STEEL 2 (21 Feb 2011 - 22 Feb 2011)

I would like to share about the most recent event happen to me, the topic is above of this sentence.

I must say this camp was de' most exciting and de' most happening Camp STEEL I had ever been in my 3 years of my cadet officer life. De' most happening !! My appointment in this camp is Camp Mentor which basically to observe, give suggestions and mentor the instructors of the camp but personally to me, these group of people are more than capable in their roles and duties. My main goal is to bond the cadet officers together regardless of language, race, religion, age, gender, rank or in-take. My believe is clear, if this camp were to happen and be a success, before we bond the cadets, we must start with ourself and bond among each other. So the week before camp, I came up with several plans and ideas for this camp to be happening, exciting and a unforgettable moment for the instructors.

Simply, I won't touch on the day time. I will touch on the time at night and after camp ends.

On day zero, night 1 (20 Feb 2011) came up with an initiative on having a bonding games among the cadet officers, not only that but also a Team Building and Team Learning session, followed by the camp briefing and also having lots of own time at night to play soccer and chit-chat among each other. Lights out will be own time own target. Why I didn't go by the strict approach by telling them to sleep learning, etc? Because I want them to have a good time, a good moment with each other in this camp. Its okay for me if they don't choose to sleep as long as they are able to carry out their duties well for the next day. I don't want to treat them like cadets instead I want to treat them like adults.

Night 2 (21 Feb 2011), came up with an initiative to surprise the February Babies with a birthday surprise. The initial plan was to celebrate at the canteen right after all the cadets goes to sleep. Then, we'll carry the February Babies and toss them into the pond. Sadly, the idea didn't goes as plan at there was some issue to handle. Time was drag and I can see shag and tired face on each and every single one of the instructors. Inside my mind and heart was - "argh damn! i fail ..." Overall, it didn't turn out that bad, I was hoping to see smiles and joy from everybody's faces. Didn't happen. Didn't happen.

Last but not least was writing peer appraisal between and among the cadet officers on Day 2 (22 Feb 2011). Select 3 names among the instructors to them are the most hardworking, most helpful and most thankful to them and comment good things about them. The idea here to even strength the bonding among West cadet officers. At the end of the day, at the end of the camp, I didn't saw a team but what I saw was a family. Everyone was shaking hands with each other, hugs and saying thank you to one another and smiles on each and everyone faces, some are tears of joy. Even on mine too.

Honestly, I thought I fail my job and duty as a camp mentor. I thought I didn't succeed with these plans and initiative that I had came up with. I was sad at the first few nights but by the end of the day, I was happy. My intension as camp mentor wasn't to show power or abilities. My intension was simply to share the passion together with the cadet officer and to share the love and bond, most importantly to build a family in West.

Special thanks to Ma'am Lee for coming back on Night 2. Without her help and care, I don't think there will be smiles on everyone's face by the end of the camp. Thank you Ma'am Lee!

Next ....

I think it time for me to plan and think of my final day or moment with West as this year is my enlistment to the full force. Deep down, my loyalty and memories in West will never change no matter how far I am in the future.