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Welcome to De.Silverpack's World

Profile
Khalil Lionél, 190790
Location: Singapore
Age: 21
Status: Pre-Enlistment

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thuzdaynite.v2_@hotmail.com
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February 2011 May 2011




Thursday, May 19, 2011

Where else I can express my thoughts and feeling if non other than here, www.thuzdaynite.blogspot.com.

Honestly deep down, i couldn't take it anymore. This relationship is not longer becoming my desire to make it happen or my desire to bring it forever with me until day of death. The longer is goes, the longer i feel that this relationship has become nothing but force and more forcing to me. Why am i saying this? This is because i don't feel i have the desire to do what i want. I don't have the desire to have my own personal time and i don't have the desire to bring this relationship further to what i had planned long time ago.

This relationship is crumpling down the grave one at a time. I feel it had gone from bad to worst. Why? There is no respect between one another, not even a basic respect. I don't feel myself like a boyfriend but i feel more like a nothing but a personal servant to her wants and needs. That serve her purpose and needs and wanting. That is what i am feeling right now. People don't give a damn respect to servants, they bark on their servant and do things physically. I had been disrespect over time and time again. How much more longer can i wait.

You know, its really frustrating to see someone that i care about keep repeating the same mistake over and over again and don't even border to review it and learn from her mistakes. She don't have that mentally like "oh! i did this mistake today and i'll make sure i won't do it again because i don't want him to angry." She don't !! Completely don't !! Why? Because she cares nothing but her own needs and wants like shopping and shopping and shopping. Everything want to buy without realizing that wasting more money then saving more money. She treat money like a monopoly, to her everything is not important and like everything is like a game. We dream big that in the future we want this and that but then where's a hardwork to achieve that dream we wanted. We always keep saying "now it still to early. there is still more to time to come." without realizing and knowing that it is becoming a habit. A very bad habit. That's why it is hard to change because it had already develop into a habit. There's a saying that "I is easy to change attitude but it is difficult to change a bad habit."

Honestly, i don't know how else i can express my thoughts and feelings. we don't think alike and we don't feel alike either. our goals are completely different and completely the opposite directions. As a man i wanted to be strong but deep down, i am truly hurt and really really hurt but all of this. We couldn't make this better. Why? Its because we have different goals and directions. We don't think alike and we don't behave alike. I'm sick and tired of already repeating the same advice again and again to her while i don't feel like it is taking effect. I don't see the point anymore for me to give advice so to make this better because all i see is nothing but the same thing, the same problem, the same issues. Also there's no point giving advice anymore because i will always get the disrespect when she always talked back at me, by asked me back questions after i asked her a questions. Telling be back what to do after i told her what to do. She just won't take actions from the words i said. Even as she did i won't even know it because she didn't share to me like "hey,guess what today i'm able to solve my own problem today." when will be the day that i will hear this words/sentence from her. Expect me to know without telling is like a huge impossibility. When? I can be patience but every patience people have its limit too.

We are different, completely different. Different from the way that we being brought up. Different from the way that we been thought by. Different life experience that we gone through.

I was brought up with a support from anyone, not even from my own meat and blood. Since young my achievements was never been appreciated. I never heard the word "good job son" or "'i'm proud of you son." never!! I being brought up to be independent for my own goals and achievements. When I fall, i stand up alone. There was nobody came back to help me stood up. I was thought by "don't cry! stand! stand up by yourself! stand!!" and discipline was at its very top when i was young, a small disrespectful behavior, i get beat up and wrack real bad. This is me, this is my background, this was how i was brought up.

The way i think is being thought by successful people like teachers and great leaders that i meet before. I think ahead of time, way ahead like 5 to 10 years ahead and i work my way ahead. I was thought to be "don't talk but no action. talk must have actions" , i was thoughts "actions speaks louder than words." , i was thought "a reward will come after hardwork" , i was thought "if you don't plan, you are planning to fail" and i was thought "whatever your plan is, make it happen! don't make this a lie to yourself." I make use of what i was thought really well. I apply it to my life now regardless im a dropout student from poly.

overall my life experiences are complete different from her. way complete different. I can stood by myself without anyone by my side. to be respectful with the people around me and don't respect people whom don't respect you because they don't deserve any. whatever i was thought and brought up by, i keep those principles close tight to myself and i thought i could share this principle along with everyone and help them but i was wrong.

my perspective of a relationship has changed over time. i thought relationship is fun, happen and enjoyable but now it has changed nothing but misery, pain and hardship. nothing but something that always giving problems and troubles in my daily life. i was wrong about everything and i regret my actions for everything. regardless all the accomplishment i had, accept for one that i had not succeed that is a promise that i had not fulfill to myself, a promise that i made to myself to change into a better man, to change and bring myself closer to Allah s.w.t and a change to bring back success and a better future.

how much longer can i take this disrespectful pain, misery and hardship. how much more longer than i endure the suffering and problematic situation.

Since now with just a relationship status is so very hard and problematic. What will be the outcome of the future? If we are able to reach a family status. If we can't stop being problematic now and don't want to work hard for the future. How can we have a sustainable and a better future ahead? How can we achieve that dream what we talked about? I don't just wanna talk about it, i want to achieve it. but we can't. why? because we don't think alike and not moving to the same direction.
Signing-Out
Thanks for Dropping By